Mostly True Information about HFGWD Presents: 20 Totally Legitimate, No-Bullshit, Practical Reasons Not to Kill Yourself.
What if Donald Trump gets impeached? Think of all the fun that will be.
What if J.K. Rowling writes another Harry Potter book? You’d hate to miss that.
What about doughnuts without carbs? I feel those coming.
What if your ex- gains a lot of weight, goes to prison for tax evasion or files for bankruptcy? That’s an I-told-you-so you don’t want to miss.
How about the inevitability of your children finally realizing you were right about everything? You can’t leave before that happens.
I hear some doctors are low-key recommending LSD for depression.
What if there’s finally a Friends Reunion Episode? Do I need to say more?
What if you suck at it? More than 90% of suicide attempts end in survival. Those are bad odds and it’ll just be one more thing you can’t do right.
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Tenth? Really? Let’s hold out for heart disease, it’s #1 and so are you.
Tragically, suicide rates are highest among white men. Do we really wanna go up against white men (again)?
iPhones. Are they getting bigger? Are they getting smaller?
Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, Sharice Davids, Deb Haaland, Marsha Blackburn, Michelle Obama, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Jahana Hayes, Ayanna Pressley, Veronica Escoba, Sylvia Garcia, Cindy Hyde-Smith, Kyrsten Sinema, Cindy Axne , Abby Finkenauer, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Kirsten Gillibrand, Amy Klobuchar. Women are finally taking over and they can’t possibly do it without us.
Who will unload the dishwasher? Dishes will pile up. It’ll be pandemonium!
We literally have no evidence that being dead feels better than being alive.
Funeral costs average between $7,000 and $9,000. Here are some other things you could buy for under $7k: An exotic leather bag from Louis Vuitton, a pair of crystal Jimmy Choo’s, a baby Fennec Fox, an Australian male escort, a 4-day retreat at the no. 1 spa in the world, more than a year’s worth of really good therapy, approximately 1,400 pumpkin spice lattes (Pro Tip: Add two pumps of Chai) or a week-long workshop at a premier treatment program for trauma and addiction.
That thing you’ve been fantasizing about, the one that will make it all better. It will eventually be on sale.
If you’re not here to tell your story, who will?